What's Beneath

There is something in you that needs to come out. But you resist it. You developed multiple lines of defense. At the surface, the lid is PMO. PMO gives you a whole roller coaster ride to keep you entertained, a cycle to trap you, and a narrative to justify yourself as a victim, incapable of change. In reality it’s a cover up. For what? I can’t say in your personal case, but for me it’s tears. It sounds kind of disgusting but it’s real, that what doesn’t come out in one fluid comes out in another. There’s a depression and loneliness that the PMO is keeping a lid on. And that sadness, is that “the whole truth” or is there something else behind the tears? I don’t know yet, maybe rage. What I do know is that if I want to find out I have to let it happen. I don’t have to endure the lust and the cravings so much as I have to want it to come so I can let it pass, with my sight fixed beyond it. When a hint of sadness comes I no longer knee-jerk react with an urge to push it away. Instead I want to say “bring it on”, I say to my depressed self “welcome, I want to know you”. You might need to do this with your PMO self before that, if you haven’t already. See these parts of yourself as beings that need comprehension, and when you cave in, get to know that self compassionately.

I believe this mind shift is very important because it drives you towards suffering, but it’s not senseless, and it’s a more profound suffering, closer to the truth. And it’s driven by self agency, not by victim mentality. How long will I have to endure the sadness in order to uncover the next layer? I don’t know, but I think of how long I’ve been holding it back. The decades of denial, maybe I have more decades ahead of enduring and sulking. But I’m at least proactive, I want to get to the bottom of this shit. Will I relapse again? Maybe. Shit’s too tempting and sometimes the darkness gets unbearable. Will it set back my quest? Certainly, but I will do it knowingly, and I will trudge forward.

I know the fapper is not the culprit, he’s more like a misguided friend who wants to protect me, who is simultaneously jealous of my potential growth because he doesn’t want to be left behind. I recognize PMO as an actually useful tool. It is a very effective panacea. But right now I don’t WANT a panacea, I want to be like a detective finding out what or who is behind all this.