The Moment

Right now I am feeling the urge. It’s not too strong. Sometimes it feels irresistible, like a passionate temptation. Other times it’s more subdued, but it feels constant and inevitable. Today is one of those days. I will log here how it feels in order to provide an example of how examining it as an object can take place, and in doing so I’m engaging with it on a different level. I’m not letting it direct my actions, but I am accepting that it’s there and I’m shining a light on it.

I am alone, and more importantly I am lonely. I have no pressing matters, and the activities that give me meaning feel a bit distant in time. Pause. There it is, a lie. I must remember how cunning the habit is. It has convinced me that important, meaningful things are far away from me, in order to give itself more importance. But this is not true, because I am writing, and it is a fulfilling activity for my soul.

Already I feel confusion dissipating, like shining a flashlight into a thick fog. With a glimpse of something beyond I caught an idea for another writing project I’m working on, and with that I am reminded of purpose. Self doubt attacks again, and reminds me that I’m alone, writing in my room, with no prospects of reaching anyone or getting any lucrative benefits from this. But clarity immediately follows, reminding me of the principle of polarity: meaning and despair are both ends of the same scale, and the fact that in absolute objective reality, the meaning that I am feeling is not ultimately real or important in itself, neither is the despair. Following that, examine what attention is doing, and the results from the direction of my attention. Attention nurtures. If pointed to despair it will cause more despair, it will cause stagnation and follow the spiral down. If pointed at meaning and hope it will spread those, both into other people and into your own future.

So I ask myself, what seeds am I sowing? And what drives my hand in that precise moment? Fully equipped with the knowledge that I am causing myself future sorrows, and that I’m blocking better things from springing forth out of me, and from others to share with me when I’m reaping those fruits of self wallowing instead of opening myself up to new possibilities.

I urge you to ask yourself that, and join me in part two where I’ll examine more in depth what draws me to my specific addiction.