Look but Don't Touch

I’m putting this on paper because this is the second time I’m employing this method and I want to document it in detail. The first time I did this I wasn’t aware of a lot of things, so now I think I’m better able to describe it.

The path of recovery is one from ignorance to illumination. Our awareness is a light that we bring upon each corner of our habits. The pathways of the actions we perform, rehearsed daily, are like the corridors of a house. We’re so used to walking these steps that we only think about the object we’re going to get, we don’t pay attention to the dust settling in the neglected furniture, we pay no mind to the things scattered on the floor that we kick and step on, we don’t stop and appreciate the decorations and paintings along the way.

You probably know very well what your favorite websites are, when you’re likely to succumb next, and how you’ll feel afterwards. But you’re probably less aware of the sound your mouse wheel makes when you’re scrolling, the rhythm of it. The position of your shoulder blades as you accommodate your body to browse while you rub one out. In fact you’re probably not very aware of what the actual hand to genitals contact feels like, as a bodily sensation. You’re just overtaken by the drunkenness of the spectacle in front of you. Are you acutely aware of how it affects your breathing and your heart rate?

I propose that if you start paying attention to these things then the problem will solve itself. You don’t really have to do anything except nudge your thoughts and your actions into the right direction. And this is the first step, acknowledging that you know what’s the right direction. You have a compass inside you, even before you put it into words, you just know intuitively what’s right and what’s wrong. Not so much on a moral abstract sense, nor intellectually, but rather a simple chain of effects that you know cause you anguish, and which could potentially cause you shame or worse if someone caught you in the act. Once you acknowledge this, the question arises: if I know I’m causing myself suffering, why do I keep doing it?

This question is a trap. This problem won’t be solved by whys. It might help to inquire why you resort to porn, how the vice was forged when you were growing up, that might be part of the process. But it’s not the way out. This is not a problem to be solved by analysis. Pondering on this question for too long leads to an increasing sense of guilt. One would think that guilt should be helpful, and for a non-addict it surely can be. But if it’s born out of the cycle of addiction, then guilt not only becomes a component, it becomes a trigger. We end up seeking the guilt as much as we seek the pleasure, because being addicted you think of yourself as lowly and inferior, and guilt confirms this. It lets you revel in your own inability to change and it justifies you as a victim. It distracts you from the boredom and loneliness that’s underneath the up and down cycle of the vice.

Instead, if this question arises, also pay attention to how you feel, what you’re doing. Simply that.

When you’re ready you will take the next step.

Which is to purposely have a session like you always would, but don’t unzip your pants. If you reached a point where every time the urge comes you resist it and fight it, instead of entering that tug and pull game, go into it, perform your ritual except for that one crucial part. Watch yourself watching porn. But just watch. What are you actually watching? Purposely direct your eyes towards parts of the websites or the videos that they wouldn’t normally be drawn to. Think of how this video must have been made, how it reached you, what the people in it must be doing now, why they must have made it, etc. Just spread your awareness and expand it. If you feel that very intense urge in your pants of making contact with your hand, give yourself permission to fully feel the sensation. If at some point it’s so strong that you just can’t resist it, then watch very very carefully the moment when you cave in. Don’t judge yourself, don’t feel like a failure, just pay as much attention as you can. How finely can you pin point the exact breaking point as it happens in your mind? What does it feel like? What distinguishes the sensation of passively feeling turned on vs taking action in reacting to it? And once you’re engaged, what does the contact with your hand actually feel like? You might be surprised to find there’s not much actual pleasure present.

Do this as many times as necessary. You will reach a point where you will be able to observe the urge, you will feel it get very strong, but you won’t react. And if you don’t react you will observe it subsides. It goes away. And the tabs get less interesting, you start closing them, and then you just closed the browser and you can get up and do something else.

If you reach this congratulate yourself. Don’t let the voice of the vice tell you it’s insignificant. Give yourself a treat in the form of another thing you like.

Now, do this enough times and you will notice so many things about yourself. You’ll see that your mind keeps coming back to it even if there’s no orgasm. Even if there’s barely any arousal, you keep coming back to it. But by severing the link, and by side stepping any feelings of guilt and resistance, you’re dismantling the whole apparatus, and porn will soon become boring.

Many methods or lines of thoughts speak about how perverse or wrong or addictive porn can be. But I’ve seen no mention of this, the fact that it can be boring. And the fact that you can train yourself to find it boring, by simply watching the components of your habit and watching your mind navigate them, as opposed to being completely absorbed by your thoughts. And then a new idea arises: that there’s no new video, as juicy or shocking as it might be, that will actually make it worth getting off to it. There’s nothing to resist, it’s just the acknowledgment of a reality, that of the limitations of the rectangle in front of you, because it was happening in your mind all along. But if you reached this stage, then there’s something else happening in your mind.

When you’re deep in it, no matter if you’re masturbating or craving it or fighting it, you’re in your head. Spread your attention to your body, to your surroundings, and beyond, and slowly things will correct themselves on their own.