There is something in you that needs to come out. But you resist it. You developed multiple lines of defense. At the surface, the lid is PMO. PMO gives you a whole roller coaster ride to keep you entertained, a cycle to trap you, and a narrative to justify yourself as a victim, incapable of change. In reality it’s a cover up. For what? I can’t say in your personal case, but for me it’s tears.
Continue Reading »I’m putting this on paper because this is the second time I’m employing this method and I want to document it in detail. The first time I did this I wasn’t aware of a lot of things, so now I think I’m better able to describe it. The path of recovery is one from ignorance to illumination. Our awareness is a light that we bring upon each corner of our habits.
Continue Reading »Addiction is self destructive. To a non-addict, self destruction seems irrational. I seek to annihilate my better self, at least for a brief moment. The pleasure, the intoxication, these are just vehicles to do that, they’re not the end in itself. Every time I engage in my vice it becomes a hammer, with which I bash my nagging better self. The me that wants to change, the me that knows best.
Continue Reading »This concept is pretty important. Discipline is not enough. Will power is not enough. A method is not enough. Nothing is enough on its own, we need to have multiple tools, our determination must rest on more than one leg for stability, like a stool. We don’t need to employ them all at once, but each situation will call for a different tool, or a particular combination of them. For example you might feel the urge in low intensity while you’re in a setting that wouldn’t allow you to express it.
Continue Reading »This Time It’s Personal I am feeling it again. I’ve been able to circumvent it through the day, somewhat easily. I’m close to a trap, meaning I’m trying to redirect my actions in a specific way whenever I feel the urge. The reason I’m doing it despite claiming methods don’t work, is because it is paired with other tools and because it was not born out of the post-habit guilt, but rather from observing a friend and his careless, worry-free demeanor.
Continue Reading »For a long time I fell victim to the trap of methods. During a period in my addiction in which I was less introspective and less honest I’d often play the game of trying to beat the monster by coming up with clever ideas, a method to outwit the madness. I have a few observations about that period. First of all, how and when these rhetorical devices were born: always, without fault, right after partaking.
Continue Reading »This one is a bit contradictory with my previous advice against methods. Nonetheless I’m putting this out there because it’s simply been working for me, and because it can provide a template for a sort of mantra. It’s not so much a method in the way described in the article (because it wasn’t born out of guilt, and purely out of intellect) but a culmination of several factors (see attacking on multiple fronts), and it is highly personal.
Continue Reading »Right now I am feeling the urge. It’s not too strong. Sometimes it feels irresistible, like a passionate temptation. Other times it’s more subdued, but it feels constant and inevitable. Today is one of those days. I will log here how it feels in order to provide an example of how examining it as an object can take place, and in doing so I’m engaging with it on a different level.
Continue Reading »This is a concept that is super helpful for me and I hope it can be for you as well, but for it to work you must fully lean into it. At its core it is very simple: The habit provides an opportunity that is rare for non-addicts, and that is making the right choice by doing nothing. To know for certain that what you’re doing is morally right is no small feat.
Continue Reading »So you just had a relapse, what now? Relapses can be very risky. They have the potential to spiral you down deeper pits of despair. But whether they do or not depends on your current relationship with the habit, and what stage you’re at. At first you’re prone to fooling yourself and exaggerating, in every direction. When you relapse, you go hard. When you’re done, you blame yourself and feel tremendous guilt.
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